And now a light-hearted story from Conway Billington who, I do hope, will  become a regular contributor to the mag!

When God Sends In The Mongol Hordes...

 Just when you thought your life was settled; that life had little left to surprise you with; basically when you start to believe that you know it all - that's when God gives your life that little twist to make you less certain about yourself; to make you look at things with new eyes and freshens your whole attitude to life. I've just had one of those experiences but you need to know a couple of things about me before we start.

Firstly; my idea of a holiday. I have a high-stress job and for a number of years now, holidays have taken the following form. Wife and daughter go off and do 'girly things' involving female bonding, shopping and chocolate. I just stay put and relax - possibly reading that book that we all have (you know, the one that you keep to one side and say 'one day, I'm going to really read that!'), drinking cups of tea and, if there's a cricket match on the radio, so much the better. Peace, quiet and few distractions (televisions are banned). This 'perfect holiday' became so fixed in my mind that it really wouldn't make a difference where I took it - my own back garden would have sufficed, and been a lot cheaper, thus avoiding all that disturbing  travelling.

 The second thing you need to know is that I'm a Yorkshireman. In my mind, I'm not British, I'm not English, I'm not European - I'm a Yorkshireman! Now we all know about the stereotypical Yorkshiremen:

 ¨ Stubborn ("guilty as charged your honour")

 ¨ Mean with money (I'll keep you posted if Jane ever lets me have any)

 ¨ Wear flat caps (only once or twice to keep the rain off my glasses when I played golf - something else I haven't done since I got married)

 ¨ Smoke (never have, never will)

 ¨ Breed Whippets (I prefer Boxers but I did experience a moments pride when a whippet   won Crufts until I found out that it was bred in Lancashire)

   ¨ Drink (nope!)

¨ And finally HANDLE FERRETS

 Ok, I'll admit it. “I Conway Frank Billington aged 45 (and quite a bit),  admit that I conformed to the stereotypical Yorkshireman image and handled a ferret”- and here's how it happened.

Shortly before Easter, we received a holiday offer from a downmarket holiday camp company that seemed so ludicrously cheap as to suggest that they'd become a registered charity. With some          trepidation, we accepted and I packed all my usual holiday comforts, books etc. However, when we arrived, we soon discovered why the offer had been so ridiculously cheap - it was because nobody else wanted to go on that particular week. Why? Because the camp was hosting a football tournament for teenagers. So there's something like a thousand teenage lads, under the very minimum supervision, roaming the place with little else to do when they aren't actually playing football. It was as if Genghis Khan and his hordes had been transported into the 21st century. Drunken teenagers on the apartment roof, drunken teenagers fighting in the swimming pool, drunken male teenagers chasing drunken female teenagers in order to engage in some sort of post-match celebration. Are you beginning to spot the pattern here? Thought so!

 Peaceful holiday was obviously out. Hence PLAN B.

 Now PLAN B involved leaving as early as possible in the morning and returning as late as possible in the evening - thus giving the camp time to clean up the blood and broken teeth and also to repair any windows, etc.

 As a result, I visited places I would never have dreamed of visiting before. Yes, I handled a ferret. I was also an accessory to the (short-lived) escape of a wolf from its compound at a safari park. I had a windscreen wiper skilfully removed from my car by a monkey in about 5 seconds (the       replacement took me 30 minutes to fit, leading to suggestions from Jane that I should give it to the monkey and let him have a go). I was so close to a white tiger that its breath steamed up the window.

 I've also been aboard the very first Concorde to fly. I've been involved in a computer simulation of a working aircraft carrier which was so realistic that we all finished up in a giggling heap on the floor when a plane 'landed' in front of us. I've touched the first aircraft ever to break the 1000mph  barrier and sat in the cockpit of a Grumman Avenger (which, with the size of my backside is no mean feat. I had one brief, insane vision of the nation’s airspace being defended by stick-thin supermodels as they seem to be the only ones capable of sitting in the cockpit of your average fighter aircraft!)

 I've fed donkeys, goats and a very disgruntled Llama. I've been very        successfully 'mugged' by a pair of sheep - one acting as a distraction while the other removed my sandwich deftly from my plate.

 In short, I've had one of the best holidays I've ever had.

 So remember, when God sends the Mongol Hordes into your life, it doesn't always mean the end of your world - it's merely a new beginning. Who knows, you might even find yourself laughing about it as much as He is.

Conway Billington