Church of England Diocese of Leeds Saint Hilda, Halifax

Smiles

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million pounds mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals


A young missionary was getting ready to move to South America. He told his friend that he was going because of guidance from the Lord. He told his friend that when he was considering his sphere of service he suddenly saw a bar of Brazil Nut chocolate and knew the Lord wanted him to go to Brazil. His friend was more sceptical and not entirelyconvinced. "what would you have done if it had been a Mars Bar?"


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..


A little girl watched her parents dress for a party. Seeing her dad in his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 

‘And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.


While working for an organization that delivers meals on wheels to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called,

'Husband - the Master of the House'?
Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!".


TEACHER.. Harry what do you call a person who keeps on talking when no one is interested

HARRY..A teacher sir.


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it


A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mum, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, heanswered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' 


INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the vicar noticed a little boy staring up at a large plaque covered with names with a flags on either side of it. The boy had been staring for some time, so the vicar asked him what he was looking at. ’ What is this? ' He asked

The vicar replied, This is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Quietly they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, the little one asked 'Which service, the 9:30 or the 11.15?'

 

Hopefully not an omen for the new service times!!!


 A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear Google, please don’t behave like my wife... Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.


Children—don’t you just love them!!!

Teacher— How old is your father

Child— He’s 6

Teacher— Now that’s not possible

Child— He only became a father when I was born Miss


Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :     “Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"


CHURCH  NOTICES

Weight Watchers will meet in the back of the church at 7.00pm. Please come in through the large double doors at the side entrance.

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly housebound, I took my 4-year-old daughter on my rounds.  She was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the zimmers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I waited for the inevitable questions, she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

"Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."